A quarter of my life i have believed myself to be an atheist. But then came the watershed moment of my life. Not a moment per se, but an evolution. Evolution through a limited number of texts, historical, sociological and anthropological. And finally my mind blew in realization that I was and has always been a theist, as a matter of fact.
The universe, this world and the society has set such closures, that at times we find ourselves utterly confused making us go for the easiest path possible. I am apolitical, I don't believe in religion, I am a centrist. But what if there is more to it. Theism, as I can contemplate now ,with whatever limited understanding I have gained, isn't lightning a diya or reading namaz five times a day. Osama bin Laden did that. Religious? With utmost contemplation, I have come to sync with the ages old thoughts of knowing the good and the bad , light and the shadow. But not of the universe. But of my own self. And maybe that is religion?
But what then is new in-here? The caste and the varna, as they say has remained perplexing to me. They say I am Brahmin. I ask how. They fail to answer. I don't have the knowledge, nor do I advise yet. I am not into teaching either. They believe the vedas, but not the closures,but then they don't believe in Ekaishvarvaad. They have different Gods for different worships. They sacrifice goat for the holy man sacrificed his son. Religious?
I seek people, at times google chat bots. How can a child just born, doesn't even know to sit and speak be a Brahmin or a Kshatriya,when it has no idea what a sword is/ or defense. How can it be a Vaishya when it is merely in its imitating stage or a Shudra, when it itself needs to be cared and served and fed. How will it serve others?
This has bemused me day in and out. How can I be born as something? How could I possibly be a 'proud' Brahmin/Kshtriya/Vaishya/Shudra/Muslim/Christian/etc, when I have no idea what it is ?
But should I stop because I don't know. I can still aspire for. Whatever drives me. The work. Why then all school handbooks have religion as a column for children to fill? Isn't the child yet to decide upon it's orientation towards faith? What if a child called a Brahmin pursues a life as that of Sudha tai? Will it be a Brahmin or a Shudra? My mind is yet to decide and I have definitely given up on google.
But what I have thought for and decided is that I want to be both, a Brahmin and a Shudra. I want to pursue knowledge and serve, if the two great varnas accept me in their 'charan-raj'. And maybe that falsifies my own introspection of my own self. And maybe for that one reason, I'll comfortably remain aspiring to be an atheist believing in Vaishnavism.