I was at a family function where I heard my cousin’s conversation with a teacher. The teacher was sharing her experience of doing her B.Ed. (Bachelor of Education) after marriage and having a child. She said her in-laws were supportive in the sense they permitted her to pursue her professional career. I questioned why is a mere permission referred to as support.
The teacher had to cook, clean, and look after her child and would study late at night. This is not support. Women are bombarded with double duty! We need a supportive partner, supportive in the TRUE sense.
I had a long chat with my cousins about the same. It seemed that they had internalized the set gender roles. A supportive partner is a bonus for them. They think it is a weird fantasy and that it is impractical to find a supportive partner.
Why is it a big thing if women demand a supportive partner? My cousins ask me where to find a supportive man. And I introduced them to Onler. Ever since I read the book Unbreakable: An Autobiography by Mary Kom with Dina Serto, I have been obsessed with a life partner like Onler.
An empathetic partner becomes more important when a woman is ambitious and career-driven. In the chapter “Onler and I,” Mary describes him as her pillar of strength and as the most supportive person in her life.
Mary and Onler became friends in 2000 while she was struggling in her career. In 2003, she received Arjuna Awards which boasted her ratings in the marriage market. Many proposals started to pour in. Mary was ambitious. She had big dreams. Marriage was not on her agenda. She was not ready for marriage.
She shared it with Onler only to see an entirely different version of him. He was worried that she would give up her career once she got married and hence proposed to her for marriage. Later, he declared, that one of the main reasons for his proposal was to protect Mary’s career.
Mary did not wish to marry as she knew life after marriage would be different. She dreamt of playing in the Olympics. If she marries, she may have to give up her career. However, she knew Onler was supportive. He was understanding. He held Mary’s hands, looked into her eyes, and promised to keep supporting her in her career.
Mary writes in the chapter; In Onler, I found a soulmate who understood my ambition. He was my emotional anchor. In every house there are duties but to gender those duties is burdensome. Household chores must be shared to make it easy for one another. She adds, in our case, Onler runs the house and fulfills social obligations, like visiting ailing relatives or attending weddings and funerals.
Together with bringing professional success, a partner’s support also feels like a blessing to one’s mental health. Mary ends the chapter by saying, He is the reason my medal hauls continued after the marriage. Behind Mary’s success, there is Onler.
Undoubtedly, behind a married woman’s success there must be a partner like Onler. For the women reading this, we all deserve an Onler in our lives, and demanding the same does not make you a villain.
As I have never watched Friends, I am not a Chandler fan but I know Onler and when I meet the one, I will surely ask, Will you be my Onler?