#LoveAndDesire
For most people in this subcontinent, ‘love’ is something that is strictly restricted to Bollywood. Most marriages in India are arrangement to keep the bloodline ‘ pure’. Modern parents let their children ‘date’ before the wedding and some even allow intercaste marriage as long as the other party belongs to the same religion and caste strata , think Brahmin marrying a Kayatha or Sayyed marrying a Shekh ! This clearly suggests our family values, our upbringing, and our environment dictate how we fall in love, if we at all do!
But I am lucky enough to know two extraordinary Muslim women, Naheed Varma and Rukhsana Khan from Lucknow, the land of Ganga Yamuna Tehzeeb ( still?), who listened to their hearts, broke all the rules that their families, society and state made for them and married for nothing else but love. They are totally opposite when it comes to their upbringing and environment, but same when it comes to love, be it for their partners or themselves.
Naheed Varma, 55
So, how did the love blossom between you and your husband ?
Ans : I was a 23-year-old MSW student freelancing with Times Of India and he was my editor. Somewhere between assignments, subbing, and political debates, the love blossomed and he asked me to marry him. That was early 90s.
How did your family react?
They were just concerned he was too old for me. He was forty, divorced and had an eleven-year-old child. The problem was not that he was a Hindu. My parents were quite liberal. In Bhopal, where I grew up. I witnessed my family being part of all kinds of festivals. Holi was big in our house. Everybody from my colony would come to our house to play with colours because my parents would not mind colour-stained walls! My parents wanted me to have a good job and be financially stable. They saw a lot of potential in me.
And yet you married him…
And yet I married him because I loved him and he helped me so much to grow as a person. Soon my parents were convinced because he was obviously a good man. Life threw challenges, he lost his job at a newspaper, and then we converted our beautiful house into a Homestay. A concept, Lucknow was not familiar with. Our little place was always full with guests across the world. This opened up our lives. We also ran our own newspaper, the Lucknow Tribune, from our home itself. Life was good and then cancer took him away in 2016.
And then?
I grieved. My daughter was just 20 years old. I had to be strong for her. I lost weight and worked hard to reverse my diabetes. I started afresh and applied for a job as a career counsellor. I was 47 then.
What now?
I travel across the nation and have counselled thousands of students. I love coffee and love exploring cafes on my own. I have a lovely kitchen garden and I love cooking with my fresh produce. I have a food pop-up at my house where people get a glimpse of Awadh’s Ganga Jamuni Tehzeeb through my cooking. I have three cats and the homestay is still running. My life is full. This is a different kind of love and I know this will not go anywhere. I had a great innings as a wife to the man I loved. But my solo life is just as spectacular. I am 55 now, and I am just starting.
Naheed Varma can be found at bodhisatva_naheed on Instagram
Rukshana, 42
How did you two meet?
Through Facebook. I was a journalist working with a prominent Hindi newspaper and he was a theatre artist. We talked online for months before meeting in person. We used to spend a lot of time together, and getting married looked like a good option because it was clear that we wanted to live together.
How did your families react?
I lost my parents early in life. I was on my own. I didn’t need anyone’s permission. His family was not at all ready for this. They constantly tried to convince my husband (at that time my boyfriend ) to leave me. It continued for good 3-4 years. But then he would not budge and we finally got married under SMA in 2015.
And how is it going now?
Look, I am going to say something very controversial. I belonged to a typical Muslim family. My grandmother practiced Pardah and expected the same from my mother and the aunts. The environment was quite strict. I would watch Bollywood movies and concluded that Hindus were really liberal. It was then I decided I would never marry a Muslim man. But that’s not entirely my fault. Bollywood hardly ever represented Muslims. I was just a kid and all the movies were Hindu centric. But as I grew up I realised, most men are the same, and after marriage I was convinced that patriarchy rules everywhere, be it Hindu or Muslim.
My mother-in-law is still not okay with it. In fact she changed my name from Rukshana to Ragini. Many of her relatives don’t even know that I am a Muslim. My neighbours also call me Ragini.
And between you and your husband?
I just married the man I loved and he happened to be a Hindu. And all the marriages in the world require work and I am lucky that mine is with the man of my choice. We are together because we choose to be together. I work as a journalist, and then I have my Instagram page where I talk about culture and food. He directs and acts in plays. But yes, we make sure to binge watch and have drinks every Sunday. That had been our ritual since we started dating and it continues to be so. It reminds us why we got together in the very first place.