"Is Desh Mein Rehna Hoga Toh Lata Mangeshkar ka song Kehna Hoga!"
Patriotic Playlist Mandatory, or Be Banished to No-WiFi Zone Abroad)
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So here's the chant again, louder than a train horn at 3 AM:
"Is desh mein rehna hoga toh Vande Mataram kehna hoga!"
Ah yes, the ultimate passport check. Never mind your Aadhaar, PAN, or the fact that your ancestors might’ve been milking cows in this land before even Google Maps existed. No sir! You must say it, and say it with feels! Not a casual "Vande Mataram" like you're ordering chai—NO! It must come from your gut, with the passion of someone who just got front-row IPL tickets for free.
Now imagine if I were given divine authority—say, a saffron cape and a magical gavel (sold separately on WhatsApp University)—to judge whether someone feels Vande Mataram deep down in their arteries. I’d stand at airports like a moral customs officer, scanning emotional barcodes:
"Excuse me, sir, can you sing Vande Mataram without Googling the lyrics halfway?"
If not? Off you go. Yes, out of the country. Boom. Straight to a no-WiFi, no-paratha zone. Because we only want true patriots. And by "true", we obviously mean people who can cry during AR Rahman's version and swear by Bankim Chandra
But here’s the twist. If I actually did that?
Only 10% of the country would remain. The other 90%? Adios, hate-mongers, WhatsApp forwards warriors, and people who think patriotism ends with a Twitter bio flag and begins with trolling someone who speaks Urdu.
Gone would be the chest-thumping overlords who haven’t stood for the national anthem since DDLJ days but are ready to disown their cousins for not singing the last verse of Vande Mataram.
Why stop at just one song anyway?
If we’re being patriotic, let’s go full Bollywood. Let’s build a syllabus:
"Ae Mere Watan Ke Logon" – fail to sob during the third line, you go straight to Antarctica.
"Mere Desh Ki Dharti" – can’t hum the tune? Off you go to a land where dharti is all snow.
"Dil Diya Hai Jaan Bhi Denge" – can’t feel that ‘90s Mohd Aziz sadness? You clearly lack national spirit.
"Bharat Humko Jaan Se Pyara Hai" – Don’t know the lyrics? Sorry, you're now legally French.
Let’s not forget Kishore Kumar, Lata Mangeshkar, and Mohammed Rafi—our holy trinity of vocal nationalism. Miss one lyric, and your passport self-destructs with a message: “You are now stateless. And tuneless.”
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Now for some hard satire spice.
In today’s nationalism market, it's not about action—it's about performance.
You don’t need to clean your neighborhood. Just post a selfie with the right filter.
Don’t read the Constitution. Just fight over for any reason...
And please, don’t ask real questions like why freedom of speech is treated like it came with an expiry date.
Because—drumroll—real patriotism now comes in 30-second reels, with hashtags like #SanskariAF
We’ve become a nation that won’t memorize the Preamble, but can quote nonsense to create enemity between hindu & muslim
Sure, but can you please also pay taxes and not pee on train platforms? That would be truly zindabad.
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So next time someone says,
"Is desh mein rehna hoga toh Vande Mataram kehna hoga,"Yes i will but you first sang and that feelings will be checked too with lie detectors and truth serum
Let’s say:
"Also you have to memorize Saare Jahaan Se Achha, Des Rangeela, and the Bappi Lahiri remix version of the national anthem."
And maybe—just maybe—also remember that loving your country starts with respecting your neighbor, feeding the hungry, and not turning patriotism into a karaoke competition.
Until then,
"Desh bhakti mein hai dum, toh show me your full playlist, bro!"
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Written under 100% desi pressure, with a chai in hand and Lata ji playing softly in the background.
No WhatsApp forwards were harmed during the making of this satire.